I had 2 hours to kill so thought I'd
skim read through it, so if this review isnt as you anticipated, blame me. Plus I havent done many story reviews so...
I'll try to stay within the confines of an honest opinion, and a well balanced review. Erm... wish me luck.
The Story + Characters:
The begining is
very sudden. Jeremy's character ('The Gambler') is a little steriotypical too if I might say, which isnt bad in a comedy but, to be honest none of the material really had me gagging. I think if he had a little more empathetic personality (which is probably the sort of guy Lisa would become partners, too), would have been a bit more believable. Appart from Hell and that, obviously.
Also, I dont understand why he was called the Gambler... didnt seem to take any risks or gamble...
The second chapter was a little odd. Jeremy left the family for 3 years, due to family problems, which was left unexplained in the previous chapter. He comes back to Springfeild, and his first reaction is to buy a Playstation magazine, other than see his girlfriend. I think if he had to buy something essensial, would make it more believeable again (For example, a punchure repair kit for his bike). I like Maggies reaction to Jere's re-appearence though, very enthusiatic to see an old friend.
"Ay Caramba!" is actualy "Ay Carumba!", but nothing serious.
Jeremy suprising Lisa is okay, quite nice but the formatting doesnt do justice to its emotional value. But more on that later.
Another part that is quite odd really is, Jere is obviously startled by the mentioning of the UAC, but after he says "What? Nothing, I'm fine.", it cuts to the next scene. This whole chapter has been strictly to a point, so that the reader knows the exact story, nothing more nothing less. Really you need over lapping. For example, have Jere change the subject while at the diner table, so they dont talk about UAC. Little things like that are elements to a writen good story.
There are a lot of mentioning of Finland, but no deep conversation. You could imensly expand on this, have Jere talk about the cultures of Finland with Homer, talk about the weather, the language, hell talk about how busy Sunday afternoon traffic. You come from Finland, all you need to know is how different it is from Springfield
Just little additions would give Jere more flavour and depth.
Another point, make subtle details to indicate what time it is, I.E. The sun setting.
I'm not to sure Lisa calls Jere to bed in a way I'd expect her too. Put forthrightly, seems like she wants a little more than sleep.
The reader doesnt know any of the characters ages in any part of the story. When I read the line,
"Lisa: Next week, I going to field trip with Bart's class to UAC Teleport lab.",
I was unsure whether Bart was still in school. Which makes me think how old is Jere? He must be at least 18 to leave Finland without parents permission, and Bart must be under 16 to still be at school. Which means Lisa would be 14/15, going out with an 18 year old..?
However, this is a very unfair point. I'm probably being too strict.
Lisa nods off very quickly too, like she wasnt really listening to Jere. Lisa is a curious person, she would hack away at the walls of a riddle to find an answer.
Having the characters fall asleep is a good way to end a chapter by the way. Rather than half way through the day or what not.
Chapter three, is a bit like chapter two. One second they are in the house, where Homer wakes Lisa and Jeremy up. Then nothing happens until later that day, Homer goes to Moes Tavern.
It is also very sudden that Jeremy is this celebrity figure. He seemed like a normal-ish chap at first, now he's a full blown famous guy with the mayors undivided attention, in which he'll have a special day awarded to him.
You've time stamped it a little better here, saying "Later that night..." and mentioning the stars are out. But you have to give reference to what happened in the day. Maybe they went to the movies, or skated at an ice ring, or played his favuarte playstation game...
Lisa is out of character again, choosing him as a boyfriend for the sole reason that he beat up his older brother. *urgh!*
I am a little bias here, because I hate characters who have these powers or, as defined here, 'killing move's (which didnt kill him?). But I think his speach was a bit, pointless. He say's one line than asks for questions.
(Quick Conclusion)
The audience for this type of story would be a young one, much younger than the audience of The Simpsons TV show, which is probably why I'm not as moved by its potential.
(I'll have to review the rest later, run out of time!)
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