I am not sure if this is the right section to post this, so Serge or Marco feel free to move this if nessisary.
I think now is the right time to write this. And i will try and put into words my feelings, rather than do my usual thing and keep them to myself. I have tried to express them thru my drawngs and through the story i posted.
As some of you know my father passed away very unexpectedly just over 1 month ago. He taught me what I know and I would not be what I am now without him. I have had lots of problems before then with depression and such. But my father passing was the final straw.
How It happened was even worse. I was having a long lie in after spending the night drawing. The Lisa's Bliss wallpaper i did was that drawing. I was woken up my my mother shouting my dads name over and over. I didnt think that much of this and thought to myself, what now, as he was a bit hard of hearing and sometimes mssed things like phonecalls and such prompting my mother to start shouting his name ect ect...
Anyway i was about to close my eyes again when my mum shouted paniced up to me, i jumped out of bed and ran downstairs where my mum just simply said "Carl, dad's died" I didnt believe it, I thought he may of had another stroke and that he would be ok. I went into the living room and there he was sitting at his computer, he got angry with the computer as it was having problems. My mum just said he just shuddered a couple of times, madde a stange noise and fell back into the chair.
Of course I at that point knew. His eyes were just blank. Every so often he went into a spasm and gasped for breath, was told later when the brain dies, it happens. I paniced, maybe if I had done something he would still be here. I will have to live with the fact that maybe if i had tried he may be here. I left the room to find my cordless phone, i came back in and a tear was running down his cheek. Was he upset with me, was he upset with himself or was he upset for us, or was it just his body just letting go I will never know.
I dialled the ambulance and luckily they were there in just 40 seconds, they were actually on a minor call nearby and got redirected. They came in and said there was nothing they could do, they re-assured me that even if they had been there at the time it was slim chance that they would of saved him. If i hadn't paniced and done mouth to mouth and cpr mebbe he would of been kept alive long enough.
He died getting angry at his broken computer, one i promised to fix and get his data onto his new computer a few weeks back and kept finding excuses not to saying i was too busy at work, i was busy with my stuff. I could of found the time to do it i know i could.
I get flashbacks all the time of his face with the tear running down, his gasps of breath, him laying on the floor, him being put into the ambulance in a body bag.
Anyway, why post here, well to be honest If i didn't find this place I wouldnt probably be here. Being already on a low this cut me hard. I have found comfort in the community here, the people, the posts,the stories and of course Lisa.
The discussions have given me hope, joy, laughter and reflection. I have hit my lowest moments in the past months, and also probably my highest too, posting my drawings has given me comfort too, and I am glad people liked them. Have i thought of ending it, yes.... but not since I got involved here, it has put me back on track. And when I am here or in the chat I feel at peace.
Some people may find me overbearing, some that i talk too much and that i talk a load of rubbish. But I have needed this place, I run my own site too but I could not post this there even though I have some REALLY great friends there too, just a different type of atmosphere.
So when I see fighting on here I wonder why it happens, i suppose it will happen anywhere. This is a place of caring, sharing and in some cases love.
But my situation means more to be honest, even if you do not agree with this, PLEASE take this advice. DO NOT leave things unsaid, tell your loved ones you love them, resolve any bad feelings and keep your promises to them. You never know when it will be too late, as it is for me now. I just wish i told my dad I loved him, i wish i spent more time down the pub with him, I wish i helped him more. I wish that i understood him. So much i wanted to show him, I wanted him to be proud of me. Thats why I have taken up drawing again, as it was his passion.
Trust me you will never feel as bad leaving things unsaid, or relationships broken. Don't think I will do it tommorow, do it now, my dad was gone within a couple of minutes. "It's a memory I will live with. All of my life."
What has brought me to post this, well listening to a Phil Collins track. The lyrics portray EXACTLY what i feel and m own life, maybe the tears and sadness are aing me sentimental. The whole track sums my life up but the last part sums up what I feel after my dad's passing.
So thank you again to every member here, a special big thank you to three people especially, i will use thier forum names so nobodys in doubt of who they are:
Dagdamor: For being the person who broght us such a wonderful site and being a good bloke to boot!
SimpReal: For being a great admin and helping with my drawing technique and bringing fun into the chat room.
Suusje: For being a great person, for his guidance and above all bringing a smile back to my face and making me laugh in the chat room.
Anyway, Here is the track - Phil Collins - All of my life: Listen to the track if you want to. The mp3 came from my dad's radio station server. He like me, ran his own station. It was on one of his favourite albums too, Phil Collins - But Seriously. Lisa may like the sax solos in this track too.
http://www.ejnmedia.co.uk/files/allofmylife.mp3All of my life, I've been searching
For the words to say how I feel.
I'd spend my time thinking too much
And leave too little to say what I mean
I've tried to understand the best I can
All of my life.
All of my life, I've been saying sorry
For the things I know I should have done
All the things I could have said come back to me
Sometimes I wish that it had just begun
Seems I'm always that little too late
All of my life
Set 'em up, I'll take a drink with you
Pull up a chair, I think I'll stay
Set 'em up, cos I'm going nowhere
There's too much I need to remember,and there's too much I need to say
All of my life, I've been looking
But it's hard to find the way
Reaching past the goal in front of me
While what's important just slips away
It doesn't come back but I'll be looking
All of my life
Set 'em up, I'll take a drink with you
Pull up a chair, I think I'll stay
Set 'em up, cos I'm going nowhere
There's too much I need to remember,and there's too much I need to say
All of my life, there have been regrets
That I didn't do all I could
playing records upstairs, while he watched TV
I didn't spend the time I should
It's a memory I will live with
All of my life.
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