Finally got a chance to read it...... i hate work!!

Anyway, chapter flowed nicely though seemed a bit short.... maybe my imagination or the events in the chapter that make it seem so. Rest of chapter is ok but when bart wakes up seems a bit rushed in a way, i cannot put my finger on why though, but seems to be missing something

Noticed a bit of a mistake when Lisa is talking to Bart :


Looks like the kind of mistake I always make.... write out a sentance one way, then change my mind but forget to change a word

Very funny thing is though that my story i have something similar planned out which was due to occur after the events I have already done in the script of mine.... gonna seem like i copied now lol!

Sorry for the double post, there wasn't room for this.

The character of 'Nurse Jenny' (for those who are curious) was inspired by 'Nurse Stanway' in Lisa Fitzgerald. I gave her the author's name as my humble tribute to that fantastic piece of literature.

Pfft... iPhone... lucky... at least its 'qwerty', right?

I always carry a small pen & notepad with me (though in the last few days I've nearly filled it). But when I started I used almost no notes, just vague ideas left from the earlier attempt at a much broader story. It helped immensly that I knew where I had to end up in order to make everything fit. Give some of that a try.

I've got alot of work ahead of me today... but on the '+' side, I think I'll be happy with what I came up with today at work.

(My poor notebook has stuff crammed into almost all the margins at this point!)

Ok my turn to throw down. Im only going to go into the large parts of this, not the grammar and spelling errors and such, which to my amazement are low. Overall a well written story, it has a few flaws, but what doesn't. Mostly the story kept to a solid line, but there were times when it could have been a little less blurred, especially when it came to dates and age (I dont remember seeing anywhere in there where it actually gave everyone's age, only bart's was shown)

The overall plot was great. The idea panned out and it drug me through the parking lot like a child's tug-a-long ducky. I didn't start getting disinterested until the hospital scene and to be honest I wasn't so much disinterested as I was bored with the same old hospital scene that has been done to death and left to rot like a zombie in a field of flowers. Yes i understand that the story would have very little to go to if that scene was taken out, but it could have been written a little better (it kinda seemed rushed). Lastly I am going to bash on you just a bit for doing exactly what the newer hackier writers do by insisting on putting a joke at the end of the story. In all honesty I would rather have known that Bart was going to live and the scene cut away with the family sanding there together, then I would having them all do'h about a hospital bill and see Hibbert trying to pull money out of them so soon. (It was just one of those things that seemed like it could and should have been left out).


Overall I would give this fic a solid A.  You did well and it shows that you worked hard on it. Be proud and take everything I said as nothing but constructive words for your next bit of fiction.

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grandmother, I wanted to get it done & off my mind as much as possible.
I'll also conceed the point you made about the closing. I worried at the time about it and hoped someone would weigh in on that. My only defense is that when people read a story based on a show like the Simpsons, they expect humor and I didn't really start using any till the end.
To be honest, writing for Homer is scary as hell because his role in the show is so large- that's why he was so quiet in the aforementioned --

For the most part I will say that the characterization was portrayed rather well, given the fact that a true future for the Simpsons is unknown. You just need to take your time with some of the stuff that you put out. Yes you had the issue with your Grandmother, but in lieu of that, you should have just held off until you really finished off that particular chapter or scene. I have about 3-5 more chapters done for Windrunner Chronicles, but I'm not posting them up until I feel like they are worth it yet. I will tell you this though, when they are posted up, i wont be going back to them to fix them up, because I took extra time. Make each story...each chapter the best it can be before you show it off.

Remember that painters don't often show their work when it is in need of a touch up, they wait until the product is worth a million dollars. That is not to say Dont post it, just take a little more time, especially when a major problem comes up in real life. As far as the whole story with Bleeding Gums goes, go ahead and either Pm me with some of the stuff that you have Ideas for or whatever and ill get back to you or you can catch me on YIM occasionally.