Lisa, the Simpson!
November 23, 2008, 17:15 *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
 Add Site
 
   Home   Galleries Library Help Login Register  
Pages: [1]
  Print  
Author Topic: Future Perfect-A Simpsons Fan Fiction  (Read 1112 times)
dantheman40k
Member
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 77


« on: January 04, 2007, 18:55 »

Prologue

2089

Desmond Bryley had been the Governor for the state of North Kentucky for five years. He was 53 years old; he had a half sister, Chloe, who was three years younger than him. His father was Alexander Francis Bryley the CEO of Bryley Industries. His mother was Lois Bryley, who worked as a secretary for Capitol City Mayor Robert Feldman during the 2030's. His father passed away in 2077 but his mother was alive and well at the Oakdale Retirement Home in Fairwater Creek, a quaint little mountain town upstate.
                                                                                                                                    *

Desmond was sat in his office going through some paper work when his sectary came in. 'Governor Bryley sir? There is a man here to see you.' ‘A man? Who is it?'
'He says his name is Rouel Tavlovski, he wishes to speak with you.'  'Send him in.'   His sectary left and a man with a thin face, and spiky grey hair entered.
'Hello,' he said 'I'm Rouel Tav-' 'I know your name.' Desmond snapped 'What do you want?' 'I am the CEO of Kaufmann Investments, it is my understanding that the current CEO of Bryley Industries is your sister, Chloe.'  'Yes, whets your point?' Desmond said, starting to get impatient. 'I'm going to offer you a deal, Governor. Are you familiar with the concept of blackmail?'  'I'm not sure I understand.' 'Let me put it another way: I know a secret about you, something that if revealed could ruin your career.' The colour drained from Desmond's face. 'You know about my mother?' 'I see your Ivy League education was not wasted on you, Governor Bryley.'  'What is it you want?'  'Quite a few things. Firstly, there are a few pesky fraud investigations into Kaufmann Investments' activities; I would very much like these little annoyances to go away, so to speak. ''I...err....OK.' Desmond took out a handkerchief and mopped his sweating brow. 'Secondly, I wish to be a contributor to your Governorship. I think that you should gain something from this other than my silence.' he winked at Desmond and gave a sneering grin. 'I will be speaking with you again soon, Governor.
In fact, expect to be seeing me a lot more from now on. Good day.' And with that Rouel Tavlovski left the room, leaving Desmond with a feeling of foreboding and dread clenching at the pit of his stomach.





2092

It was raining. Bartholomew Jojo Simpson's white spiky hair wafted in the wind. 'Are you sure you want to be here?' asked Sora Levin, his assistant.
'For the fifth time, yes!' Bart said firmly. Sora pushed Bart's hover chair through the maze of tombstones before finally coming to a small, neglected
 Looking tombstone toward the back of the cemetery. Bart gave a low moan of anger upon seeing the tombstone. 'Jeez! Does this place have attendants?
I shall be having a few words with the complaints department about this!' He leaned forward, pulling the out weeds that had grown over the tombstone.
'The woman in that grave,'  Sora said 'Who is she? You never told me who she was.'  Bart said nothing, but motioned for Sora to give him the
Bouquet of flowers that they had brought with them. Bart placed them on the grave, he stared at the grave for a while, before turning to Sora
again. 'The woman in that grave, ' Bart said 'ruined my life.' 'Why, then, are you leaving flowers on her grave?' 'Read the name.' Sora turned and
looked at the name on the tombstone. A look of comprehension dawned on her face 'Oh! She's your-' She stared at him 'She ruined your life? How?'
'I'll tell you it all later, first lets get out of this rain, I'm freezing my ass off here.' Sora turned and pushed Bart out of the cemetery, leaving the tombstone
with  its loving message carved into its surface in golden letters:
  Lisa Marie Simpson 1984-2034.   Loving Mother, Sister and Friend.  May There Be Jazz Clubs In Heaven



It was evening when they returned to Bart's house, 147 Hullmolland Drive. It was a two story house of the type that was built in the early 1930's. 'Why didn’t you sell this place?' asked Sora, glancing around Bart's study. 'I don’t know. I guess I'm a sucker for nostalgia. Duff?'  he asked, gesturing to a bottle and glasses on his desk. 'Duff? No, I don’t drink. Sora said. She turned to face the wall, which was covered with framed newspaper clippings LOCAL BROTHER AND SISTER FOIL ATTEMPT ON AUNTS LIFE,LOCAL GIRL BECOMES FIRST FEMALE CADET AT ROMMELWOOD MILITARY ACADEMY, DUFF GARDENS FACES CLOSURE AFTER
 SMALL CHILD BECOMES INTOXICATED. 'Wow, you and your sister sure did a lot of  things. But,' Sora turned from looking at a picture of Lisa receiving her
 Medal of honour at Rommelwood 'how did she ruin your life?'  Bart sat down at his desk. He poured himself a glass of Duff and held it in his hand.
'I loved Lisa. I probably still do. But she did.....bad things.'  'But the epitaph...'  'Was true.' Bart said 'Up until a point.' Bart's face seemed to darken.
 'What happened?' Sora said timidly. 'It all started on New Years Eve 2019. Lisa had invited me to a family get together at her house. It was the first time
 we would have seen each other in seven years.  I'd left Springfield, you see, I'd been offered a place at Harvard Law School. I didn’t really want to go
as my life was on the up or so I thought..........'


2019

Bart ducked as a plate sailed over his head and smashed into the opposite wall. 'But baby cakes I thought you'd be happy!' he pleaded. 'Happy? HAPPY?!' snarled his girlfriend
Miranda Ivanski, clutching a plate and hurled it at Bart. Bart ducked yet again. 'YOU EXPECT ME TO BE HAPPY THAT YOU HAVE QUIT YOUR JOB????'
Bart crouched behind a nearby chair to protect himself from further culinary missiles. 'Washing dishes at Jerry's Bar N Grill is not much of a career is it?' Bart said reasonably,
as a gravy boat narrowly missed his left ear.
                                                                                                                *
The next Bart knew, he was sitting on the front lawn with all his clothes thrown haphazardly around him.


2092

'All I had left in the world was 34 dollars in my wallet and my 2015 Dragonfly.'  'Dragonfly?' Sora asked 'Brand of hovercar.It was lime green and looked like a Volkswagen Beetle. Handled like a shopping kart with a wobbly weel. Broke down twice on the journey from Massachusetts.' 'So what happened when Lisa saw you?' Sora asked.'She was thrilled, she hadn’t seen me in seven years, remember....

2019

Homer and Marge walked up the front drive to Lisa's house, 34 Blueberry Crescent. It was a typical suburban house with a front porch and a white picket fence.
'Wow, Homie, look at this place! It’s like something off the cover of Suburban Palaces Magazine!' 'I'll say! I'm gonna go back to the home and put on a tie.'
 ' Don’t be silly, Homer, this is Lisa, not the Queen Of Sheba!' They walked up to the front door and knocked. While they where waiting, Homer glanced back at the garden. 'My God, SHE HAS A WATER FOUNTAIN IN HER FRONT YARD!!!'  'Oh Homer! You had better not make a scene when we get inside.' 'When have I ever made a scene?'asked Homer indignantly, Marge chose not to answer.The door opened and revealed Lisa in a long maroon dress. 'Hi' Lisa said, a grin playing across her face. Marge noticed that her grin seemed to flicker slightly.’ Something wrong honey?'
'Ahhh,' Lisa said looking behind Marge and Homer 'No, I was just excepting...someone...' 'Who?' Homer asked. 'Its not importent.'Lisa said. She led them down the hall towards the lounge, a vast room with a large amount of people in it already. Lisa's husband, Roberto Tavlovski came out of a door that lead into a kitchen, carrying a plate of vol a vonts.'Good evening Homer, Marge.' He said grinning 'You like my new tie?'  he asked gesturing at his dark purple tie. 'Lisa got it me for my birthday. Its one of those new ones that can change colour. Look.' Roberto took out a tiny control and pressed a button on it marked 'FUNERAL' the tie turned black. 'Wow!' Homer gasped. Roberto pressed another button, marked 'FESTIVE'
and it turned red with a green Christmas tree pattern. Homer giggled with delight. 'Robbie, you have GOT to tell me where you got that!' The door knocked again Lisa, smiling profusely opened it. 'Bart! You're here! I thought you would come!' she embraced her older brother, who shrugged and said 'Yeah, well, seven years is a long time, I guess I was a little unreasonable and-' 'Come see the kids! They have been asking about you since I told them you would be coming.' Lisa dragged Bart into the house and down the hall. Marge gave a whoop of joy upon seeing him.'Bart! Oh my favourite little man!' she too embraced him. 'Why didn’t you write?' she said, suddenly stern 'You have my email address, ringostarfan64@yahoo.com. And a phone call wouldn’t have gone a miss either.'  'Marge,' Homer soothed 'Leave the boy alone, just because he has not given you every sordid detail of his life doesn’t mean he doesn't care'  'I know that. I just thought that it would be nice to hear his voice once in a while.'  'Well, Your gonna be hearing it a lot because I am staying here for the duration!'  Bart grinned at the look of ecstasy on his mothers face.
'The kids are in the kitchen with Maggie. ' Lisa said.


                                                                                                                                                               *
Lucy and Jason were seated at the table wearing VR goggles and gloves attached by wires to a box with the words 'VR Hub 4000' on it. 'E7' Jason said.
'Missed by a long shot!' Lucy said cheerfully 'D8'  Jason’s face fell 'Aw Schmittt!' 'Jason!' Came a scolding voice from the pantry. Maggie had emerged carrying several
packs of Soya Brau. 'Bart! Good to see you I'd hug you but-' she shook the stack of Soya Brau. 'Careful with those!' Lisa warned 'Those are 35 dollars a box!'
'Relax, Frazzy McStressedOut, I'll be careful.' Maggie said with a sigh, she carried the boxes into the other room. 'Kids, take off those goggles and say hello to your uncle.'
Lisa said. 'Uncle Bart!' Jason yelped as he whiped his goggles off. 'Frigid!' Lucy said 'Is it true that you and Mom stopped a man called Sideshow Bob from blowing up the city?' 'Sure is. I did most of the cool stuff, though.'  'Wow.' Jason said 'Billy Staffen at school didnt belive me when I told him.' 'Yeah well, was Billy Staffen born when that happened?' 'No, he’s only 9.' 'Well then.' Roberto then entered 'Lisa, Noel is going to light the fireworks in a minute.' 'Oh my, is it time all ready?'

                                                                                                                                                                   *

Noel Cribbage was the Tavlovski's neighbour, he was 63 years old. He came from Hackney, East London, England. He was a member of Strummenburg, a rock band during the 1970's. He moved to America shortly after the band broke up in 1982. He bought a 3 story beach house in Malibu; however he had to sell it shortly there after to pay off his loan shark. He moved from Malibu to Springfield in 1989 after an incident involving a mafia boss' daughter. He has lived there ever since. He was standing in front of a row of fire works waiting to be lit. 'Ladies and Gentlemen,' he said in his thick Cockney accent 'You are about to witness the pyrotechnic stylings of Noel The Rocket Cribbage!' Lisa glanced at her watch
 'Its time, Noel, it'll be 2020 in about five minutes.'  'Thanks, Mrs T.' Noel said jovially. 'He loves things that go bang.' Lisa said to Bart, jerking her head at Noel
 'He used to be a roadie for Spinal Tapp during the early 90’s; he used to do the pyrotenic work for them.' 'Does he still play?' asked Bart. Lisa shook her head.
 'No, he lost his faith in rock and roll after the band he was in split up in the early 80's kinda sad really. He still has a shrine to them in his room, though.'

2092

Sora was puzzled 'With all due respect but what does your sister's former rock star neighbour have to do with why your sister ruined your life?' she asked.
'Just setting the scene, Sora. An important part of story telling.' Bart said taking a swig of Duff from the glass he was holding. 'Should you be drinking that much
at your age?' 'My father drunk hardly any thing but this stuff and he lived to be 78......granted he did have four liver transplants....where was I?'
 'It was New Years Eve 2019 and....'  'Ahhh yes I remember now. Well a few months later and  I was living at the Idlewood Arms Apartments, Room 203. I had recently been fired from Hank's Laundromat for putting my own washing in with that of the patrons. Anyhow, I had to swallow my pride and ask Lisa for a job at MegaCorp.....'

2020


'A job?' Lisa was sat at her desk in her office at MegaCorp Head Quarters. She had recently been made Vice President following the death of the previous one, Xander Lambaldi. Bart had came in wearing a dark brown suit that he had got from a charity store and a dark red tie with a bright red checker pattern. Lisa thought he looked like a used car salesmen.'Yeah a job. You want me to do some filing, I'm your man!' 'Well, Bart we arnt looking for any new employees right now.' 'Au contre, little sister. If my sources are correct, and they usually are, you have been recently made Vice President of the company. And like all Vice Presidents you need a Personal Assistent.i.e moi.' ‘I already have one Roberto.' 'Roberto? As in your husband Roberto?' 'Yes so I'm afraid you will have to look somewhere else.' 'Come on Lisa there must be-' Bart fell silent, Lisa had heard it too, a loud commotion
 coming from down in the lobby. Bart and Lisa walked out of the office, on to the promenade and looked down into the lobby below. An elderly man with a bushy moustache was arguing with Dwight Lockheed, CEO of MegaCorp. '-can’t believe you expect me to unplug toilets at my age?'  the old man was saying 'Lazlo,' pleaded Lockheed 'No!' Lazlo snapped 'find you a new lackey I quit!'  'New lackey right here!' Bart called. Dwight and Lazlo looked up. 'Who are you?' Dwight asked
 'I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?' 'Dwight Lockheed, I own this company. Do you know how to unblock a toilet?' 'Practically the only thing I did at Jerry's Bar 'N' Grill.' 'You’re hired then.'

TBC
Logged
Dagdamor
Lisahugger
Administrator
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2496

WWW
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2007, 01:02 »

I've read your story yesterday, but before I posted a normal reply, I have a question... is con-crit allowed here?
It's not bad so far, but after reading the block you posted, I had some comments/suggestions.
And remember that I'm not good at writing at all, so my views can be very debatable.
Logged

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace. - Jimi Hendrix
dantheman40k
Member
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 77


« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2007, 20:53 »

I've read your story yesterday, but before I posted a normal reply, I have a question... is con-crit allowed here?
It's not bad so far, but after reading the block you posted, I had some comments/suggestions.
And remember that I'm not good at writing at all, so my views can be very debatable.

Concrit away, Daggie! Smile
Logged
Dagdamor
Lisahugger
Administrator
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2496

WWW
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2007, 15:44 »

Okay... I have to say that once again though: I'm no good neither in fanfiction nor fanfiction reviews. All said below is just my personal opinion and nothing more. Feel free to ignore it, someone else might have completely different opinion about your story and that's normal.

I've read the block you've posted so far and can say that it's not bad. I look forward for more, especially keeping in mind that the story is only starting to develop, and so far it looks promising. But certain things already made me unsure after reading, so I'll try to explain them.

Things that I considered wrong. Of course it's spelling and grammar in the first place. Smile Words like "sectary", or "arnt" can be not very noticeable for the native English speaker, but to me it made certain parts of your story hard to understand. Microsoft Word has a decent spell-checker; it even has a simple grammar checker so you won't mix "you're" and "your" in your story anymore. The same applies to the formatting; if you're posting your story on the forum, there should be no hard linebreaks or they will turn your text into a mess like it happened above. Try to make your story easier to read: use shorter paragraphs, make all dialogues on separate lines etc. I'm sure your readers will appreciate that. Smile

Things that I considered questionable. Look at the second paragraph (the blackmail scene). I don't know how governors get blackmailed in United States, but for some reason I think it happens otherwise here. First of all, a big boss cannot just come to another big boss and try to blackmail him; he might not go out afterwards; he might simply disappear after such a step. Secondly, he cannot act as open to his enemy - what if governor recorded his words? Bryley might use it as opposite blackmail then. Another thing... why such a reaction to Tavlovski's first words, I mean the "You know about my mother" answer? Even if Tavlovski didn't know anything and just bluffed, he knows where to dig from now on.

Another important moment imho. I'm not sure how to explain it properly... some time ago, on GFWC, Chris Dawson wrote a nice column about writing called "Show, don't tell". It's about the way you convey the information to your readers, and imho it could be useful for you. You can simply explain things - "There was a governor, he was old, he had a half-sister, she was a bit younger" etc, or you can write something like "Governor Bryley sighed and looked at calendar. 'I wonder how my sis feels at her soon fifty', he thought, 'hopefully the ages of owning such a monster as Bryley Industries spared her better than me'." - or something else that not just tells you facts, but shows them and makes the whole "picture" easier to imagine.

Several moment that also made me scratch my head a bit: the fact that Bart's wife name was Miranda Ivanski while Lisa's husband name was Roberto Tavlovski. Did they get married in the same town? Wink Well, maybe that will be explained later in the story. I can believe that older Marge has got an email address, but I can't believe she mentioned (and managed to pronounce) it while talking to Bart. And the last remark: perhaps it makes sense to make dates from the past and the future closer to each other. In Graham's CoD the difference was only 7 years, but it still worked good.
Logged

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace. - Jimi Hendrix
dantheman40k
Member
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 77


« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2007, 17:53 »

Okay... I have to say that once again though: I'm no good neither in fanfiction nor fanfiction reviews. All said below is just my personal opinion and nothing more. Feel free to ignore it, someone else might have completely different opinion about your story and that's normal.

I've read the block you've posted so far and can say that it's not bad. I look forward for more, especially keeping in mind that the story is only starting to develop, and so far it looks promising. But certain things already made me unsure after reading, so I'll try to explain them.

Things that I considered wrong. Of course it's spelling and grammar in the first place. Smile Words like "sectary", or "arnt" can be not very noticeable for the native English speaker, but to me it made certain parts of your story hard to understand. Microsoft Word has a decent spell-checker; it even has a simple grammar checker so you won't mix "you're" and "your" in your story anymore. The same applies to the formatting; if you're posting your story on the forum, there should be no hard linebreaks or they will turn your text into a mess like it happened above. Try to make your story easier to read: use shorter paragraphs, make all dialogues on separate lines etc. I'm sure your readers will appreciate that. Smile

Concur completely, I am currently in the process of spell checking this thing. I will have it done in time Wink

Things that I considered questionable. Look at the second paragraph (the blackmail scene). I don't know how governors get blackmailed in United States, but for some reason I think it happens otherwise here. First of all, a big boss cannot just come to another big boss and try to blackmail him; he might not go out afterwards; he might simply disappear after such a step.

Rouel Tavlovski (who, BTW is Roberto's brother) knows Bryley well that is why he did what he did. I wont reveal too much as it it contains spoilers but I will say that Bryley would do better than to anger a man like Rouel.

 Secondly, he cannot act as open to his enemy - what if governor recorded his words? Bryley might use it as opposite blackmail then.

Bryley wouldnt dare. He is a coward.

 Another thing... why such a reaction to Tavlovski's first words, I mean the "You know about my mother" answer? Even if Tavlovski didn't know anything and just bluffed, he knows where to dig from now on.

He wasnt bluffing. Again, it contains spoilers, but Rouel is involved with Lois Bryley. Thats All I will say.

Another important moment imho. I'm not sure how to explain it properly... some time ago, on GFWC, Chris Dawson wrote a nice column about writing called "Show, don't tell". It's about the way you convey the information to your readers, and imho it could be useful for you. You can simply explain things - "There was a governor, he was old, he had a half-sister, she was a bit younger" etc, or you can write something like "Governor Bryley sighed and looked at calendar. 'I wonder how my sis feels at her soon fifty', he thought, 'hopefully the ages of owning such a monster as Bryley Industries spared her better than me'." - or something else that not just tells you facts, but shows them and makes the whole "picture" easier to imagine.

Thanks. I will try that in future. Smile

Several moment that also made me scratch my head a bit: the fact that Bart's wife name was Miranda Ivanski while Lisa's husband name was Roberto Tavlovski. Did they get married in the same town? Wink Well, maybe that will be explained later in the story.

I just have a thing for Slavic sounding names. XD There is no connection between Miranda and Roberto.


 I can believe that older Marge has got an email address, but I can't believe she mentioned (and managed to pronounce) it while talking to Bart.

Its the 2010's. Look at how things are going now, Computer-Wise then think what it will be like at the end of the next decade


 And the last remark: perhaps it makes sense to make dates from the past and the future closer to each other. In Graham's CoD the difference was only 7 years, but it still worked good.

The reasons for the dates will become clear(I hope!) when I complete the story.

Logged
G.H.
Mr. Pink Floyd
Hero Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1603

Far away from you.
WWW
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2007, 05:22 »

Lisa Marie Simpson 1984-2034.   Loving Mother, Sister and Friend.  May There Be Jazz Clubs In Heaven... that line gave me chills.
Logged

Look at that hand lying there
The room is dark, she shows no fear
I'm lying still, my eyes are wide
My heart is pumping, I'm still alive

I'm still awake against my will
What will it ever take
To still this burning in me?
G.H.
Mr. Pink Floyd
Hero Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1603

Far away from you.
WWW
« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2007, 00:15 »

There was one thing, however, that puzzled me, upon reading: The year that Bart is telling the story (2092) is over a hundred years past his birth (according to your timescale, at least, would have made it so Bart was born on April 2nd, 1982). Perhaps this is some new concept of the future that I have yet to grasp (longevity), but it just seemed odd. Looking forward to the next installment, however.
Logged

Look at that hand lying there
The room is dark, she shows no fear
I'm lying still, my eyes are wide
My heart is pumping, I'm still alive

I'm still awake against my will
What will it ever take
To still this burning in me?
Pages: [1]
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by SMF 1.1 RC3 | SMF © 2001-2006, Lewis Media