Lisa, the Simpson!

So after a few days of browsing the site I have been (as the topic says) inspired to attempt a short story of my own. I haven't settled on the final details so all I can say is that it will be my take on the whole 'Sideshow Bob' series of episodes from the series.
Being my first try I won't go for any of the alternate realities (winged Lisa, twins, ect.), instead I may go for a grittier, more realistic setting.

Just a note to new readers, each update is the entire story up to that point so if you don't want several copies you are better off skimming to the end for the most recent update.

Oh and fair warning for the kids, this is not a child's story.

Update: Attached to this post is now the most recent version of my story. Thanks in advance for reading and I hope you enjoy it!

Okay, I look forward to see and read your story :)
If you have questions, or need help/advises, feel free to ask. It will be your first Simpsons fanfic, right?
If you accept requests right now, I'd ask only two things: prose format and the story being not too long. :)

I know I have a fairly distinctive style of speech, so with that in mind, I will pay attention to prose.

The only problem I may have is actually getting the story converted and posted here. But I'll work something out.

The story at its current build is actually a small segment of an ongoing story that I have been wanting to rewrite and expand upon.

Okay, minor details have begun to develop.
The time placement is roughly seven years in future from the series.
So Bart is a Junior, age 16-17.
Lisa is a Freshman, age 14-15.
And Maggie is in the second grade, age 7-8.
There will be a few well-known characters. Such as Krusty (I'm going to enjoy writing this bitter, jaded funnyman), and Milhouse will be his usual awkward self.

I'll begin laying out chapter one tonight, hopefully.
Any suggestions are welcome as I start to post what I've done.

You can just attach it to your posts, in full reply, click Additional Options.

CalculatedChaos
Read the first chapter. So far it's going on nicely; you seem to be either experienced writer or just have good words in your arsenal. :) The characterization is alright too; will be waiting for other chapters before posting more making-sense review of your story. Good luck!

A little from column A, a little from column B. I tend to write my best stuff during my manic-depressive phases. :(

CalculatedChaos
The best artists are always the most troubled.

I haven't read Chapter One yet, but I'm going to have a lot of spare time this weekend and I'm sure I could fit in your story. I'll post a review within the next few days.

Here's a large update. The first chapter I posted has been relegated to the dreaded 'prologue' heading until such time as I find a better place for it.

So without further ado... I present chapters 1-4 (though 4 isn't quite done yet).

Oh... and here;
http://realities.simpworks.com/image/405
This is the picture that inspired the scene in chapter two.

You definately have a good talent for putting words to paper... or words to screen I should day.

So far I have found it engaging and well written. I am REALLY looking forward to the next installment(s).

One thing you have managed well is that you seem to have made the story connectg with the reader, well at least with me. When Lisa felt really sad I found myself with damp eyes and really felt for her. When she was happy again it immediately cheered me up.... You have succeeded well in passing the emotion through the words to the brain :)

You have also given me some inspiration to brainstorm some more ideas for my Relitive Insanity script...

This looks like the kind of story that will inspire people to make some pictures for :)

-Carl

Thank you! You're very kind, now off with you! Write my friend, write! Good luck! :lisa:

 P.S- I'm struggling for a title by the by. It's leaning towards 'Fate' or something. :/
Suggestions?

Twisted Fate?
LOL
I don't know. I'll try to help you. Anyway, I've read the first chapter, and I've got to say, it's turning out to be interesting. I still haven't read this draft you posted. But I'll get to it, don't worry.

I, personally, am satisfied with how close I got to Simpreal's intended scene, its alot easier to write around a picture than it is to draw one based on a description. I dunno. That's just the way I write. And I wouldn't be opposed to someone who wanted to make such a picture. In fact I would be honored. :)

fate would be a great title, I think.
You're exactly as good as Gary, I think. Good characterization, especially Maggie, and a matching choice of words.
if you continue like this, it's gonna be a great work.

A little preview- the next scene will be another Maggie one. She is actually very interesting to write for as I pretty much have only guesses to go on for her character. I hope I'm doing her justice, being the youngest would be difficult. Especially with Bart and Lisa for siblings. (I'm the oldest of 3 boys if you're curious.)

Its nearly done, anyways, hope you enjoy it. :maggie:

Well, I promised a review within the next few days, and I intend to fulfill that promise.

You definitely remind me of a younger me - this is not unlike something I might've written back when I was Lisa-obsessed (I actually did start on a Dark Tower/Simpsons crossover story, but once I realized it was complete rubbish, I scrapped it). Your writing style is, for the most part, extremely good, and this is probably one of the most coherently penned Simpsons stories I've read. You don't dwell on things too long, you use descriptive language, and the characters more or less behave the way I'd expect them to.

Apart from a few nitpicks on spelling and punctuation errors, and a couple sentences that sounded repetitive (although this doesn't really bother me, no story is perfect), I can't find much wrong with your story. Keep up with the writing. You've even given me ideas of reviving my writing thread (not much of a revival really, only one story was posted and it garned only two reviews :P).

Thanks for the honest critique, George. Yes, those little mistakes bug the crap out of me. I think I caught most of 'em, though, and they will be fixed with the next update. I counted almost a dozen use's of the word 'had' in the last few paragraphs of chapter 2 much to my frustration!

Also, if you could PM me with some specific examples of my redundancies I would be happy to listen. ;)

Okay, as promised I have gone and corrected quite a few grammarical errors, as well as plenty of minor typos and unintended words that slipped my first sweep. Thank you grammar and spellcheck!

Chapter 4 ended up being the longest one so far, I think. Chapter 5 should be done by thursday, but if I don't get time to update, it should be up over the weekend at the very latest.

Okay, here is Chapter 5 faithful readers! Slowly we approach the climax and conclusion!

It might be changed with the next update as I had to rush typing it up this time. Probably won't be anything major, so feel free to accept this as the final version (until I do a final draft).

Enjoy. ;)

edit: Oh man, there are alot of typos. Sorry everyone, they will be fixed ASAP!

this story seems to be getting better and better. I really do like your writing style :)

Story line still very engaging... cant wait til that next installment

It should end up being a tight little package, no loose strings. Everyone's patience will pay off...I hope.

*returns to masacistically abusing self over tiny errors*

Heh heh, reading your last chapter has now got me writing. I am sitting on my bed listening to a friends webradio station and typing away. Inspiring stuff ;)

Chapter 6 ought to be up by monday. Expect the pace to pick up as I write my first scene involving Bart and Maggie interacting. An ending has been decided upon and all that remains is how I want to get there, so no worries (for once) about running out of momentum, probably my biggest fault as a writer.

*twitches*

D'oh! I won't be able to go online till saturday!

Okay, I apologise for this in advance, but the last part of chapter 5 is not satisfactory as is. Lisa's acceptance of the situation has been grating on my mind for days now, making it difficult to rebound and continue with the story. Its too out of character and in my haste to finish, I took my eye off the ball and screwed up.
No worries, though. The offending parts have been rewritten and it is much better, imho. When I post the next chapter be sure to check that area because there is an important new detail concerning Bob's past that I shifted to an earlier spot in the story to accomodate the revisions.

Now, moving on.
*sits down to write chapter 6 with a fresh outlook*

Alright, folks!  :D

Here is the rewrite I mentioned last night, along with Chapter 6. It won't be much longer now! Bear with me as I begin the final push to end this thing!

Edit: Just a moment, everyone. Technical issues as my friend's laptop doesn't seem to have Word and it's doing some odd stuff to the formatting.

Its getting gripping now..... it just gets better and better. Before the rewrite I had a suspicion of the location Lisa is at... it seemed natural. And the clues of silence was a nice touch in recognition of how this building is built.

Anyway a couple of bits of critcism now but only minor issues......I will try to do it without spoiling the plot for readers. A sentence seems incomplete.... about her backpack.... you have put "stuffed underneath a parked" I assume you meant to type "car" there :)

Second critique is how Bart realises who is responsible just seems a bit to quick to come to him. Maybe he should of gone through some clues or thoughts with Maggie or done some investigation, as Lis and Bart have done when solving his crimes in the past. The step from who is responsible to where Lis is being hidden should be padded out more. Maybe Bart looks at something in Lisa's room which makes him think, or reads something which makes him click. It needs some brainstorming of some of the places SSB could be hiding leading on to the realisation thats where Lisa would be, otherwise is seems a bit rushed.

Otherwise plot is progressing fantastically and the rest enjoyable. Looking forward to more

-Carl

Thanks for the critique, Carl. I will definately work on that! That is exactly the kind of feedback I need.
*brainstorms away*

Incidentally... did the file load correctly? At my friend's it looked like a mish mash of formatting jargon.

Yup formatting seemed all ok my end..... Loaded correctly into openoffice on other PC last night and I just tried it on Word on this PC... and again opens fine.

I planned to post at least the rewrite of 6 today but that plan fell through... it should be up tommorow and there is a good chance of the first half of 7 being included.

The rewrite turned out better than anticipated, though. It has more than doubled the length of the chapter and is a much more satisfactory lead-in for the climax.

So, as promised, here is the rewrite of Chapter 6. I had time, also, to include a fair chunk of 7, but don't take it as a final draft. I have noticed that the closer to the end of this thing I get the more spots that need minor tweaks for continuity there seem to be and this has resulted in about three decent rewrites so far. Once again, please bear with me as the final details of my story unfold...

Oh, and I have done some thinking on the title and have one picked out. Sorry if it seems corny, but I don't think it's been used yet.

Death of a Simpson (Salesman, if you don't get the reference)

I haven't acually seen the play but it's supposed to be dramatic I believe so it should make an appropriate title. I also gave simple titles to each chapter currently done.

Chapter One- 'Collision'
Chapter Two- 'Sanctuaries'
Chapter Three- 'A Bright New Day'
Chapter Four- 'Worlds Apart'
Chapter Five- 'Trapped'
Chapter Six- 'United'
Chapter Seven- 'Comedy and Tragedy'

I can definately say that re-write has done that chapter justice. It adds more interest and realism to the story. You have pulled it off really well and it explains a lot more to why Bart thinks who and where.

I wont yet comment on ne next chapter until it is complete, but so far it is gripping!

Hello again everyone! Today I have for you... the climax, I suppose, for this little story I am telling. There is going to be one more chapter after this so please be patient. I have to get it just right.
The title of that final chapter (8) will be 'Four Simple Words' for those that are curious.

Edit: Fair warning for the kids... this is not a child's story and there is a little swearing and violence throughout the plot.

very good chapter..... some very good plot lines there, although the bit where it went from bart shouting "stop" and then it going back in time to the buick arriving threw me at first lol...

These last 2 chapters really bringing on the emotions... cannot wait for chapter eight :)

One side note it may be worth a follow up chapter (if this is not already included or something else happens) or  mebbe in a sequel or follow up to go into what happens to maggie and Lisa emotionally mebbe a month or 2 down the line.

Just my $0.02

I may smooth the transition a little during cleanup. Any suggestions? Don't forget... there is one more chapter to come. Loose strings ya know.

Edit: I am curious, its been out for a while but, did anyone catch the reference before the Ms. Hoover scene regarding the boy Stew?

I did read that bit.... tho my brain isnt in gear so i probably have lost hte meaning :) Besides I am workig on my biggest picture to date... ith 5 characters in.... and lots of detail so my mind is racing thru that :)

I'll toss everyone a bone and say; the arguement could be made that his last name is Griffin... ;)

Oh, and good luck with the picture!

ahh haaa!!!!! Does he speak in a posh english voice by any chance???

 ;)

But of course! ;) Though in my head he will always sound like he did in the first season.

Both characters are the same age in their respective series, so it could happen...

Hooray for random cameos!

Random on-topic rant time:
It's interesting to me how much a story grows as you tell it. Sort of organically, I suppose, in my case/style. The last few days have been unusually good to me (ignoring the $92 spent on a new tire today) and this has left me in a good place for the process of finishing the story. I will not rush, as usually inclined, but will instead incorporate some interesting ideas that came my way.
For instance: Maggie gets to sing one of my all time favorite songs, a really emotional one.

Chapter 8 is finished, as far as a rough draft can go. As always, there will probably be some streamlining and revisions if later material makes it nessisary.

The song a little ways into the scene, sung by Maggie, is a personal favorite for me.


Giving credit where credit is due:
"Calling All Angels" by Jane Siberry off of her 1993 album 'When I Was a Boy', is the song that plays in the background at the end of the movie 'Pay it Forward' starring Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt, and Haley Joel Osment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jReLRxrCJqU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jReLRxrCJqU)

This is a link to a YouTube video of the song I just dug up.

Anyways, here is the chapter. I hope it is up to par with what I have done so far... feel free to let me know, as always. There is still a good chunk left to come, though.

Finally got time to download and read it... got going back to work means i have no time again arrrghh!!!!

Another fantastic chapter, adding the "15 minutes earlier" bit in the previous chapter helps that a lot as it doesnt give you the "wait did i miss something" feel when i read it before. A lot of feeling again and emotion. It hard to write a really good review wthout giving away the plot to others :)


Listening to the song while writing this, it is an amazing song. I have heard this song before on a movie, but i don't think it was Pay It Forward, as i do not think I have seen it. Than again I have done some work for a Canadian radio station so I may of heard it there. Jane Silbury changed her name to Issa in 2006 and some of her other stuff is fantastic too.

I agree! Didn't know she changed her name, though.

If you find time, perhaps you can PM me some of the more plot-related stuff? I'd love some detailed feedback and you've been so helpful throughout the writing process, Carl!

After much revising, editing and other general nonsense Chapter 9 is finally in a presentable state!

If I find time Chapter 10 will be written and hopefully typed tommorow. (But don't get your hopes up too high, it's looking like a busy day for CC.)

My goodness man, If I had the time and ability to do all the writing that you do, My story would have turned into a book that would rival War and Peace. This is the 3rd time Ive had to DL this thing and I still havent read it all yet. Though Like I said, i have been busy writing my stuff and going to class all night. :P

Fortunately my job is in an environment that grants me the luxury of thinking about my storyline as I go about my work. Just one Chapter to go! (Though I've already said that once before...)
*sighs*

I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts whenever you get around to it.
:lisa: :maggie: & :bart: say thanks in advance!

Finally got a chance to read it...... i hate work!!

Anyway, chapter flowed nicely though seemed a bit short.... maybe my imagination or the events in the chapter that make it seem so. Rest of chapter is ok but when bart wakes up seems a bit rushed in a way, i cannot put my finger on why though, but seems to be missing something

Noticed a bit of a mistake when Lisa is talking to Bart :


Looks like the kind of mistake I always make.... write out a sentance one way, then change my mind but forget to change a word ;)

Very funny thing is though that my story i have something similar planned out which was due to occur after the events I have already done in the script of mine.... gonna seem like i copied now lol!

Thanks once again, Carl!
That was pretty much the section I have been looking to pad. (after Bart awakens)
No worries, changes are on the way. Chapter 10 is written, but until I settle on 9's rewrite it isn't technically presentable.
Don't worry about the copied ideas, everything has been done at one point or another. :D
The important thing is that you keep trying! I'm looking forward to seeing your new stuff, so hurry up and post it already!  :p

Sorry for the double post, there wasn't room for this.

The character of 'Nurse Jenny' (for those who are curious) was inspired by 'Nurse Stanway' in Lisa Fitzgerald. I gave her the author's name as my humble tribute to that fantastic piece of literature.

call it writers block heh heh + the extreme lack of time I have with working til 8pm and weekends! D'oh!

I have some of the story mapped out in my head but I always find it hard to "convert" it into a story. Looks like i gonna be sort of posting like you! I got myelf an iPhone, so may be tapping out some replies on that.... though dont seem to have run into any barriers for posting so far and the onscreen kb seems remarkably good to use! Now i have somethign to use again to tap out ideas onto!

Pfft... iPhone... lucky... at least its 'qwerty', right?

I always carry a small pen & notepad with me (though in the last few days I've nearly filled it). But when I started I used almost no notes, just vague ideas left from the earlier attempt at a much broader story. It helped immensly that I knew where I had to end up in order to make everything fit. Give some of that a try. ;)

i needed some sort of device like it, i used to have a windows mobile, in the job i do i am constantly moving round the depaartments so its impractical to have a pad with me (m y pockets being full of tools ect) So al electronic device i can keep my thoughts private and readily avaailiable.

I've got alot of work ahead of me today... but on the '+' side, I think I'll be happy with what I came up with today at work.

(My poor notebook has stuff crammed into almost all the margins at this point!)

Looks like my Labor Day weekend will be spent up in Minnesota (family stuff :() so I'll be pretty much MIA till Monday...

But I'd hate to leave everyone hanging.
Here's my rewrite of Chapter 9. It turned out pretty good, I think.

Oh, and 10's included as well.
That's right, you heard me.
The End.
It's complete!
 :D

Some stuff I didn't have time to mention last night:

The rewrite pretty much fell into place once I had an epiphany the other day and Chapter 10 has been planned since the beginning.
If you pay attention I made sure to include a reference to the episode this site is named after!
The character I mentioned a few days back, Nurse Jenny, ended up having alot more to do with the plot once I rewrote 9, and I don't think that's a bad thing...

So that's that. DoaS is officially open for full review, critique and lambasting!
I only hope it's as enjoyable to read as it was for me to write.

My next project ('Bleeding Gums') will begin sometime next week.

Ok my turn to throw down. Im only going to go into the large parts of this, not the grammar and spelling errors and such, which to my amazement are low. Overall a well written story, it has a few flaws, but what doesn't. Mostly the story kept to a solid line, but there were times when it could have been a little less blurred, especially when it came to dates and age (I dont remember seeing anywhere in there where it actually gave everyone's age, only bart's was shown)

The overall plot was great. The idea panned out and it drug me through the parking lot like a child's tug-a-long ducky. I didn't start getting disinterested until the hospital scene and to be honest I wasn't so much disinterested as I was bored with the same old hospital scene that has been done to death and left to rot like a zombie in a field of flowers. Yes i understand that the story would have very little to go to if that scene was taken out, but it could have been written a little better (it kinda seemed rushed). Lastly I am going to bash on you just a bit for doing exactly what the newer hackier writers do by insisting on putting a joke at the end of the story. In all honesty I would rather have known that Bart was going to live and the scene cut away with the family sanding there together, then I would having them all do'h about a hospital bill and see Hibbert trying to pull money out of them so soon. (It was just one of those things that seemed like it could and should have been left out).


Overall I would give this fic a solid A.  You did well and it shows that you worked hard on it. Be proud and take everything I said as nothing but constructive words for your next bit of fiction.

Thank you for your honesty, Laguna. It means alot to me, and you've posted quite a lot of fiction on here yourself so I'd be a fool not to listen.
I agree on the comment about how the end felt a bit rushed, but it's still in draft form. In fact I'll probably extend the ending at some point along with at least Ch. 3. (There's alot I could do with a breakfast scene to help setup the tranquility and make Lisa's abduction more shocking). I probably should've spent more time on the end but with news of my

(See sig...)
grandmother, I wanted to get it done & off my mind as much as possible.
I'll also conceed the point you made about the closing. I worried at the time about it and hoped someone would weigh in on that. My only defense is that when people read a story based on a show like the Simpsons, they expect humor and I didn't really start using any till the end.
To be honest, writing for Homer is scary as hell because his role in the show is so large- that's why he was so quiet in the aforementioned --

breakfast scene.
Do you have any comments on the characterization? This being my first finished story I'm curious to know if I achieved anything close to what you'd expect canon to be for Bart, Lisa and especially Maggie at those ages.
Oh, and I'll slip in the girls' ages somewhere during the first few chapters. ;)
Again, thanks for your review & support, Laguna!
(any advice for me before I dig into 'Bleeding Gums'?)

For the most part I will say that the characterization was portrayed rather well, given the fact that a true future for the Simpsons is unknown. You just need to take your time with some of the stuff that you put out. Yes you had the issue with your Grandmother, but in lieu of that, you should have just held off until you really finished off that particular chapter or scene. I have about 3-5 more chapters done for Windrunner Chronicles, but I'm not posting them up until I feel like they are worth it yet. I will tell you this though, when they are posted up, i wont be going back to them to fix them up, because I took extra time. Make each story...each chapter the best it can be before you show it off.

Remember that painters don't often show their work when it is in need of a touch up, they wait until the product is worth a million dollars. That is not to say Dont post it, just take a little more time, especially when a major problem comes up in real life. As far as the whole story with Bleeding Gums goes, go ahead and either Pm me with some of the stuff that you have Ideas for or whatever and ill get back to you or you can catch me on YIM occasionally.

I can forward a short series of PM's I wrote yesterday in regards to some of my plot ideas. Fair warning, remember my short post limits. :p

Thanks for the advice, it'll be easier to slow down now that the pressure of actually finishing a story is gone. All too often I'd start a project, get bored and abandon it.
(Like the Atlantis epic I tried last year, for example! Sefris Rein, we hardly knew ye!)

Finally got round to reading it.

The last chapter is as good of the rest. A lot of heartfelt emotion and love in it. A definately recommended story to read through.

Brought a warm smile to my face, thank you!

I give it an A

If you aren't busy, Carl, I may be able to get on YIM here in the next hour or two. I'd like to talk with you in regards to yesterday and some specifics in the story. ;)

...in fact, I'll be hanging out in the LTS chat if anyone else feels like joining me!

Small update: Here's two pictures I commisioned as part of an art trade. (the story 'Caleb' posted the other day by Vanguard is my part)
The first is by Dewey Finn of NHC and MT2, still just in sketch format.
The second is by Astray, also of NHC, and is fully inked and colored! She's got two more on the way, one of which will hopefully be done tommorow!
Thanks guys! :D

I have to say, both are quite good. I dont remember the scene where Lisa and Maggie are by a pool of any sort, but I have to say that the Sideshow Bob pic is memorable, I love the aged look he has. Ahh inner demons

Dewey's picture had a minor language barrier problem, but they are sitting near the reflecting pool in the last chapter (Lisa's sacrifice). He's actually got a running series called 'Adolescence' which features the characters at the same ages so he's got experience with the older versions.
Astray's next picture is supposedly her interpretation of the same scene and I'm looking forward to comparing the two visions (especially next to how it played out in my head while writing it).

Deweys Pic really fits the scene in that chapter, shows the emotion that goes with the story

The sideshow bob pic is exactly how I imagine a weary, vengeful tired version of himself to be!

 :)

Thanks for your comments guys! I'll pass 'em along to their respective artists. Though I'm in the process of convincing a certain stubborn someone to join here and bring some more fresh talent to the boards...

Tell the person we are generally VERY nice people here. We would love to see a new face.

For one, Iam not that scary :)

She's a bit of a wallflower at the moment. The legions of trolls at NHC would make anyone leery of joining a new site. She's also got an unfinished post-dome fic centering on Lisa, Marge, Ruth, Laura and Father Sean.

Your comments have been passed along and now it's up to Astray as to whether or not she joins. I personally hope she does. She'll love the reception and various Lisa-cookies that are handed out!

Another small update: Here's two more pic's by Dewey Finn!

For those interested; I'm sort of in the process of rewriting the first half of this story. No guarantees on time, though. I'm still working 60 hours a week.

CalculatedChaos
Hm... those sketches show some good skills, nice work! There are some little problems with perspective, but they are more because the artist tends to choose the complex scenes. I'd love to see more art of Dewey Finn here :)
The same about Astray's illustration. Her art is... well, seems to be damn good!

Dewey is pretty immersed in the NHC culture at the moment. But I'll mention it to him. I think he hangs around Gazmanafc's MT2 a bit as well. Astray is Anna-Unforgiven on this board. (she finally joined about a month and a half ago)

Indeed he does post around MT2 a bit. Me thinks Dag should get around onto more forums. :P

Gazmanafc
English-speaking community is not really my community, I only make exception for Lisa and what surrounds her. :)
I visit plenty of boards, most of them are about programming, web-development and web-promotion, i.e. my professional area, and ISFF of course. :) I just don't have free time for hanging on english Simpsons forums like NHC, language barrier is one of the main reasons too.

CalculatedChaos
Thanks. :)

In the case of MT2, we ignore the language barrier, Leif for example is Danish, and he fits in rather well. So that isnt much of an excuse, however, its your call I guess. :P

Gazmanafc
Leif is Danish, but on MT2 he still speaks English, right? Language barrier is not only when you cannot understand people or speak their language. I know English more or less, but it's still hard for me to understand posts made by other people, or to reply to them. To say it simple, during the same time I have to post one message in English, I could easily post 3-5 messages in Russian of the same size. ;) So, little forums like LTS are the best choice for me, at least until I learn English better and start thinking in it too.